December 19, 2018

Finding Myself After a Miscarriage

September 2018 will always be burned into my memory. In the same month I would find out I was pregnant with our second child and also miscarry that child. Something so sudden and unplanned as a miscarriage can rip someone’s heart out. I don’t know that I have ever cried out in heartache like I did that weekend. 

When I was pregnant the first time, with Nova, I was constantly worried about about having a miscarriage. For no particular reason other than the fact that it was my first pregnancy and everything terrified me. The second time, I wasn't as worried but continued to feel the prompting that I should be. Something didn't feel quite right. I ignored the promptings and began preparing how we'd tell our families. I was determined to surprise them with the news of the pregnancy while we were all together for Nova’s birthday. I bought the cutest big sister shirt, planned the pictures and announcement. Had my first ultrasound scheduled, prenatal insurance being processed. Everything was going to be perfect. This was not the way I thought I would be sharing the news of our second baby. 

Telling our parents and siblings about the miscarriage was one of the harder parts. It's a little awkward for me to share news like that and I imagine a little awkward for most people. But, I knew that in order for me to heal, I needed their prayers more than ever. I also really needed to be able to talk about it... almost like talking through it. 

The day after the miscarriage, I woke up with crusty, baggy eyes from getting very little sleep the night before. The emptiness I felt hadn't filled and the heartache didn't suddenly subside, like I was wishing it had. Waking up to realize it wasn't all a dream... well, it was like it was happening all over again. The tears would not stop. I felt like a burden and annoyance because I was struggling so severely. I shared these feelings with Ryan after again, apologizing for crying. He reminded me that it's important to feel what I'm feeling but to remember that the Savior has felt it too. Christ, more than anyone else, knew exactly how I was feeling.

Ryan's eternal perspective and reminder to reflect on the Savior was the motivation I needed to get through this. Turning this trial over to Christ was my saving grace. I'm so grateful for having the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. Without it, I'm not sure that I would have come out of this a stronger person. This isn't a sad story to me anymore. It's a story of how I became who I am, how I've been strengthened and how I came closer to Christ. 

This is my motherhood. This baby, no matter how small, will always be part of me and my story. I will never forget this moment in my life and I will never forget this baby. If you’re struggling, know you are never alone. 

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