March 10, 2019

My Mental Health

This past week on Instagram, I shared a little bit of the struggle I've been going through as of lately. Depression and anxiety have been something I've dealt with since High School, maybe even earlier. However, it hasn't affected me quite as severely as it as in the past few years. It comes and goes and thankfully, it goes more often than it comes. It's been harder during this pregnancy than I expected it to be but that's exactly why I'm talking about it. 

When we moved to Texas, I was on top of the world! I was so excited about being in a new state and city. We knew we would have more opportunities here for our family and have really loved it. When I found out that I was pregnant (at 10 weeks), we had only been living here for a few weeks. I really didn't think I was pregnant but knew it was a possibility. We signed a lease for an apartment thinking it would work until we could find a home. Unfortunately, this apartment is on the third floor! After several appointments with my Doctor, he classified my pregnancy as "high-risk". This basically means that I have to take it extremely easy. Which in turn means no stairs, let alone carrying my 25 lb. toddler up and down those stairs.

I'm able to get out about once a week on my own and on the weekends, Ryan helps so we can get out of the apartment. Don't get me wrong, I really like our apartment. It's spacious and it's been so cold lately that getting out doesn't sound desirable anyway. This doesn't stop me from feeling trapped. I feel as if I have zero control. That leaves me feeling empty. This all triggered the depression and anxiety, as you can imagine. It's exhausting to feel this way and frankly, I just hate that this something I have to struggle with.

When things get this low, I've learned to do two things. Feel what I'm feeling. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to have bad days but remember to talk to someone about it. I always call my husband if he's at work and just tell him how I'm feeling. It helps get stuff off my chest and even though it doesn't make it all go away, he knows where I'm at and is better able to serve me. The second thing is to pick yourself back up with the help of our Savior. Knowing that there is a Heavenly-being who loves me, knows me and has felt the pains I am feeling, brings me so much comfort. 

My favorite thing to read on the hard days is a quote said by a leader of my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Elder Jeffery R. Holland said: 

That's really all you can do during any struggle, trial or challenge. You keep going, you don't give up and you trust that this will out work out in the end. Sitting here, on this Sunday evening, I realize how much better I already feel. It's only been a couple weeks going through the thick of it and here I am on the other side. This won't be the last time that my depression or anxiety strike me for a long period of time. It will happen countless more times in my life, I'm sure. I just find so much peace knowing that there is "help and happiness ahead."

Happy Sunday, friends. Thanks for letting me share my heart with you.

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